Jokes

Discussion in 'Odds and Ends' started by britbox, Sep 30, 2015.

  1. britbox

    britbox Multiple Major Winner

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    It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

    He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"

    The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"

    The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
     
  2. Billie

    Billie Nole fan
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    I wanted to say I liked the joke, and it turned out that I thanked you for it LOL

     

    How about this, if it is not appropriate, delete it B-)

    FOUL LANGUAGE MEMO

    M E M O R A N D U M

    TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
    FROM: MANAGEMENT
    DATE: MONTH DAY, YEAR
    SUBJECT: FOUL LANGUAGE

    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    Nonetheless we do realize the critical importance of individuals being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.

    Please read or post where appropriate. Employees will be reminded to watch their motherfucking language whenever these code phrases are not adhered to.</b>
    <pre>OLD PHRASE PREFFERED NEW PHRASE

    No fucking way! I'm certain that's not feasible.
    You've got to be shitting me. Really?
    Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...
    Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned.
    It's not my fucking problem. I wasn't involved with that project.
    What the fuck? Interesting.
    Fuck it, it won't work. I'm not sure I can implement this.
    Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? I'll try to schedule that.
    When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
    Who the fuck gives a rats ass? Are you sure this is a problem?
    He's get his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem.
    Eat shit! You don't say.
    Eat shit and die. Excuse me?
    Eat shit and die motherfucker. Excuse me Sir/Maam?
    What the fuck do they want from my life? They weren't happy with it?
    Kiss my ass. So you'd like my help with it?
    Fuck it, I'm on salary. I don't think you understand.
    Shove it up your ass. I love a "challenge".
    Who the fuck died and made you god? You want me to take care of this?
    Blow me. I see.
    Blow yourself. Do you see?
    Go and fuck yourself. Why don't you try your hand at it.
    Another fucking meeting? Yes, we really should discuss this
    I really don't give a shit. I don't think it will be a problem.
    He's a fucking prick. He's somewhat insensitive.
    She's a ball-breaking bitch. She's an aggressive go-getter.
    You don't know what the fuck you're doing. I think you could use more training.
    This place is all fucked up. We're a little disorganized.
    </pre>
     

     
     
  3. Mastoor

    Mastoor Masters Champion

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  4. britbox

    britbox Multiple Major Winner

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    It's the way you tell them... :yahoo:
     
  5. Billie

    Billie Nole fan
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    LOL maybe the joke was too rude so M. changed his mind about telling it.

     

    A short one, about Canada, so nobody gets upset:

     

    Canada had the most potential of any nation in history. They could have had the culture of the British, the cuisine of the French and the technology of the Americans.

    Instead, they got the culture of the Americans, the cuisine of the British and the technology of the French.
     
  6. Mastoor

    Mastoor Masters Champion

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    I wanted to post a picture, but something went wrong and I couldn't mange to have it displayed.



    Billie that's a good one about Canadians.
     
  7. Moxie

    Moxie Multiple Major Winner

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    This is an old one, but Billie's joke about the Canadians reminded me of it:

    Heaven Is Where:

    The French are the chefs
    The Italians are the lovers
    The British are the police
    The Germans are the mechanics
    And the Swiss make everything run on time

    Hell is Where:

    The British are the chefs
    The Swiss are the lovers
    The French are the mechanics
    The Italians make everything run on time
    And the Germans are the police

    ...something to insult everyone.
     
  8. Federberg

    Federberg Multiple Major Winner

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    [​IMG]

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/man-called-phuc-dat-bich-posts-passport-to-facebook-to-prove-his-name-is-real-a6741586.html?

     

    Hilarious, but I have real sympathy for this guy

     
     
  9. britbox

    britbox Multiple Major Winner

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    Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an reassuring internal voice say, "Don't worry, Dave. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last. Plus you're single. Just let it go."

    But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering, "Dave, you're a fucking vet."
     
    Tennis Fan likes this.
  10. Billie

    Billie Nole fan
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    Good one about a doctor.. BB.  Somebody sent me this one a couple of days ago:

     

    There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

    After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

    ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''

    After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.

    This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''

    Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

     
     
  11. Moxie

    Moxie Multiple Major Winner

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    Moses comes down from the Mountain.  He tells his people:  I've got good news and bad news.  The good news is, I got Him down to 10.  The bad new is, adultery is still in.
     
  12. Moxie

    Moxie Multiple Major Winner

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    Doctor comes in to see his patient.  He says, "I've got good news, and bad news."  Patient:  "What's the bad news?"  Doctor:  "We cut off the wrong leg."  Patient (distraught):  "What's the good news??"  Doctor:  "The other one is getting better."
     
  13. Billie

    Billie Nole fan
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    ^^ He he...it is a good news...good one Moxie, I like it.  Here is another one good news bad news, old one:

     

    Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

    Patient: Go with the good news first.

    Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

    Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

    Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday

     
     
  14. britbox

    britbox Multiple Major Winner

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    A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

    "No, you muppet!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
     
  15. Billie

    Billie Nole fan
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    LOL good one BB.

     

    A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

    "No!" yells the blonde.

    Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

    "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

    The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
     
  16. Billie

    Billie Nole fan
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    Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland."

    "Me too! I'll drink to that."

    They both finish their pints and order two more.

    "Where in Ireland are you from?"

    "Dublin."

    "Me too! I'll drink to that."

    They both finish their pints and order two more.

    "Where in Dublin are you from?"

    "The East Side."

    "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"

    They both finish their pints and order two more.

    "Where on the East Side are you from?"

    "McDonagh Street."

    "Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

    As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

    "Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

     
     
  17. Moxie

    Moxie Multiple Major Winner

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    This joke actually has two punchlines, if you think about it:

    A Buddhist monk goes up to a hotdog vendor and says:  "Make me one with everything."

    The vendor gives him his dog, takes his $20 bill, pockets it, and moves on to the next customer.

    The monk says, "Hey, what about my change?"

    The hotdog vendor says, "Change must come from within."
     
  18. Federberg

    Federberg Multiple Major Winner

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  19. britbox

    britbox Multiple Major Winner

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    I was sitting in the hospital restaurant, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.

    "What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.

    "I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.

    "I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is delicious."
     
  20. britbox

    britbox Multiple Major Winner

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    "Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.

    "Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?"

    "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."
     

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